THE CRISIS---Infidelity/Affair/Cheating/Adultery

 

Basically they’re all the same. You thought you had an understanding with your partner or spouse that included not having a romantic or sexual relationship with anyone outside the relationship or marriage.

 Now—

You either suspect or know for a fact he/she is cheating on you or has cheated on you.

Or

You either are cheating or were cheating on him/her

 Nothing stirs feelings up more than dealing this issue. People frequently report their feelings being completely out of control and often report feeling crazy at times. This is true for both the cheater and the one cheated on.

 Webster’s dictionary defines a “crisis” as being, “the turning point for better or worse; a sudden attack of pain, distress or disordered function; an emotionally significant event or radical change of status in a person’s life; the decisive moment, an unstable or crucial time or state of affair in which a decisive change is impending; a situation that has reached a critical phase.”

Cheating  or being cheated on creates a major crisis in your life. And when it does, one word takes center stage, the word that says it all.

  BETRAYAL

 Few feelings can compare. Even death is often easier to deal with.

 Betraying someone who trusted you, even in the most callous of people, often produces more guilt than almost any misdeed. Being betrayed, wounds at the deepest of level.

 It seems as if the relationship can never be healed. How could you ever feel trusted again or how could you ever trust again?

You Austin counselor, Carolyn C. Martin MS, LPC we will help you sort through the myriad of feelings that comes from betrayal and then help you chart a path to recovery, whether you chose to end the relationship or whether you decide to continue the relationship. If you decide to stay in the relationship, we will help you make the relationship the best it can be using the research and methods of John Gottman, Ph.D. During this process you will not only learn how to have a happy, stable relationship, but also how to affair-proof your relationship to avoid ever being in this “crisis” again.

 If you would like a sneak peak at what you will be learning at Mariposa Psychotherapy Associates, see John Gottman’s research and intervention information at www.gottman.com. Dr. Gottman has been researching marriage for over 30 years. The information you will learn isn’t pop psychology, TV/radio psychology or planetary psychology (women aren’t from Venus and men aren’t from Mars.) What you will learn comes from THE most reliable research ever done in the area of marriage.

You can reach Carolyn at 512-919-2069, located at 5808 Balcones Dr., Suite 101, Austin, Tx 78731

Also please visit Carolyn's website and visit her at Psychology Today

Infidelity/Cheating--5 Steps to Recovery

John Gottman's most recent research has been in the area of building trust after a relationship partner has been unfaithful. In his research he has found that there are 5 things that the unfaithful partner does that significantly heals the relationship. These are the steps.

The partner who has cheated:

1. Must have believeable & genuine remorse

2. Must have acquired new behaviors based on "why they cheated."

3. Must compensate their partner--what's important to their partner becomes important to them

4. Must build a new relationship with their partner that includes honesty, transparency, and cherishing.

5. Must be able to attune to their partner's negative emotions--awareness turning towards, tolerance, understand, non-defensive responses, empathy

If you and our partner are struggling with the difficult task of mending your relationship after one of you has been unfaithful, I can help you work through these steps. 

You can reach me at 512-919-2069. Located at 5808 Balcones Dr., Suite 101, Austin, Tx 78731

Psychology Today

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Why Did They Cheat: Making Sense of Infidelity

Inevitability, every time I work with a couple whose marriage is in crisis due of infidelity, this question comes up. The most common answers of the betrayer is either, "I don't know," or some form of blaming their partner. It's an important question, but it's rarely easy to get to the answer. The betrayed partner has a high need to understand how the affair happened and often has a hard time articulating why it is so important to understand how their partner took the path of cheating.

The question is an important one. The answer informs the steps needed to keep it from happening again. In order for a betrayed partner to rebuild trust, they need for the betraying partner to learn how to "affair-proof" their relationship. Let's use Jack and Jill, two of my clients, as an example. Jack gives one reason for the cheating, "I was traveling and got lonely." My question, "There are a lot of ways, good and bad, of dealing with loneliness. Why that path?" Jack says, "When I travel to Asia, it feels like I'm completely disconnected from the rest of my life. It feels like I have two completely separate lives." At this point, I begin helping the couple problem solve ways of staying connected when the two are on the opposite sides of the world.

Jack might have given a different answer, "Jill never wants to spend time with me. She's too busy with the kids." It would be important for both Jack and Jill to understand that it is never the betrayed partner's fault that the cheating occurred. No matter what the circumstances, Jack, consciously or unconsciously, made the decision to cheat and took the actions. Jill may have some responsibility for Jack's unhappiness in the marriage, and it is important for her to acknowledge her part in his dissatisfaction of the marriage, but Jill has no responsibility for the choices Jack made.

Rarely is there just one contributing factor to infidelity. And many times it is the perfect storm of many elements, each of which needs to be examined and new strategies and habits formed in order to protect the relationship from future betrayal.

You can reach Carolyn C. Martin MS, LPC at 512-919-2069.

Located at 5808 Balcones Dr., Suite101, Austin, Tx 78731

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